I try my hardest not to give unsolicited advice. I generally fail more than I’d like. In my defense, it comes from a deep motivation to simply share my life with others; to share what I’ve learned through my own experience. This is also why I rarely use absolute terms. Because I know my personal experiences are subjective.
So, there’s my disclaimer. These words aren’t directed at anyone in particular. I was just thinking about what I would say if someone asked me if I had any advice about being a parent. And while I’ve only been a parent for a little over a year, I have learned (mostly through my failures) more than I could articulate.
Becoming a parent is a process that is best refined by practical experience. Being a parent is the most challenging, difficult, frustrating, joyous, beautiful, blissful, adventurous, chaotic, messy, and humbling thing I’ve ever done. It brings out the best and the worst in you; often only separated by mere moments. I highly recommend it.
So, here’s what I would say if someone asked me what advice I had/what have I learned about being a parent over the last year:
Be Open to others’ experience. You never know where some tidbit of helpful information will come from, so be open to considering everyone’s advice and remember that, even if unsolicited, they are simple sharing what was helpful to them.
Be Humble. Reading a few parenting books doesn’t make you an expert. So don’t act like it. Learn from everything and everyone that you can. This often means admitting that you don’t have a clue what you are doing. But it’s ok. No one does!
Be Educated. You don’t have to be textbook, but at the very least, read up on child development. That way you will know how best to respond to your growing baby. And, if you try any specific methods or techniques make sure you weigh the risks and benefits before you decide to try it. Our rule of thumb is, we’ll try it if the apparent benefits outweigh the possible risks.
Be Flexible. It’s common as expecting moms and dads to say, “we’re going to do ________.” These conversations are great. It’s a way to flesh out what you like and dislike about different parenting styles. The downfall is that they lack experiential knowledge. So, if when baby comes, you’re finding that doing “__________” isn’t working out, do something different until you figure out what does work. No need to feel guilty that you didn’t follow through, just re-adjust your plan.
Be Yourself. Ultimately, your parenting style will be unique to who you are. That’s the glorious thing about parenting. Every family looks different. And they SHOULD. Don’t make decisions based on what people will think or say about it. Do what you are most confident and comfortable with. As a parent who chooses some unconventional parenting methods, this was the best lesson I’ve learned. There’s great joy and much less stress in being confident and secure in how we parent apart from how others respond to our parenting decisions.
Be Courageous. Don’t be afraid to try anything once, as long as baby is safe, of course. You may be pleasantly surprised at how well your baby sleeps in a place other than the crib, or in our case, vise versa. And, if something doesn’t work out, remember to be flexible. Try something else. There are very few ways to “ruin” an infant.
Be Changed. As I mentioned before, parenting is a PROCESS. Don’t be afraid to allow the process to change you. It will make you a better person. You will be amazed at what you are capable of. Your life will change. Period. You can fight it and run up against a brick wall of frustration, or you can go with the flow and experience an abundance of joy that you never thought possible from wearing snot on your t-shirt while walking through the grocery store as your child squeals/sings at the top of their lungs.
Be Encouraged. You will be the best mom in the world for your baby. You will know what to do and when to do it. Trust yourself. You were made to do this. Don’t waste energy feeling guilty about anything and don’t let others make you feel guilty for your parenting choices. Find other moms that will encourage you, not compete with you. And, most importantly, pass it on! Be an encouragement to other parents who might be secretly struggling to find their groove. All parents need to hear that they are doing a great job.
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