I'm a new mom.
Translation: I'm stuck in the gap between a life without baby and a new life with baby.
The cliff on the left is our life as a couple. It will always be there, unmoving. But, it's different. A new normal. Our friends are the same. We still love to hang out with them every chance we get. It seems the chances are getting more limited. It takes much more planning and intention to see them. To get quality time with them.
The cliff on the right is our life as a family of three. It will always be there, unmoving. But, most likely growing in the coming years. A new adventure. It may contain new friends. Or maybe old ones that change and become something new.
I stand in the gap. I see my friends. The friends that I've grown to trust, and love. The friends that seem to be growing closer to each other, but farther from me. I see a new adventure ahead. There are so many unknowns on this side. It's scary and intimidating. I don't feel like I fit in with "experienced" moms. I don't really even enjoy the typical "mom" talk.
"Is he eating solids yet?" "Timmy just learned to scoot, has Zac?" "How did he do in the nursery, my Sara was screaming her head off." "Is he sleeping through the night yet?"As if I didn't feel insecure enough, we need to further compare our children? I know this isn't the intention of the one asking, but remember, I'm still in the gap.
Part of me just wants to remain here.
In the gap. In the gap I stand with my little family.
But the isolation hurts.
Do I have to choose a side? My instinct says 'no'. 'Wait it out'. What I'm waiting for, I'm not sure. Maybe my picture is wrong. Maybe it's not about a gap between two cliffs. Maybe it's more like an ocean and I haven't found my school of fish yet.
God has been extremely generous and merciful in Brad and I's transition into parenthood. We have come out the other side mostly unscathed. We are bonded as a family of three now instead of just two. I believe there is strength in numbers. Even if one of us is only 5 months old.
My family makes my personal isolation bearable.
2 comments:
I think I"m hiding in the gap.
I think I ask parent questions for reassurance that I'm not the only one. To quiet my fears that I'm doing something wrong.
I do like being a little family. It is fun to hang out with other little families, but it does require planning and then often re-planning. Having small children is so busy and demanding that feeling overwhelmed is often the normal. But they are small for such a short time.
When I had Renee we moved to New Bern when she was 4 months old so I left the friends with no children behind and it seems I met new friends right away with children so I didn't have to be torn between the two groups. I still had friends with no children but seemed to hang out more with the ones that did. For example friends without children will tell you "don't let her touch the walls". Didn't go by her house much after that. :) Having a baby just comes with some isolation because of nap schedule and keeping them in a routine. When they are old enough for preschool and school that goes away because you see mother's dropping off an picking up children. As you have more children you have no time to think of isolation. At my age I think back to how wonderful those times were no matter if I were totally alone with my children or hanging out with other people. I know you hear it all the time from people my age and older but it is so true that they grow up so fast and before you know it your baby is a senior in college. The isolation I worry about now is the kind my mother has at 85. Her children are grown and gone living their own lives and enjoying their grandchildren. Her spouse of 59 years is gone. You think of one pain or ailment after the other and wonder when will the next time ONE of your children or grandchildren will come see you. Waiting and knowing you don't have much longer to enjoy life with them. Now to me, that is isolation.
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